Why Can’t We Just Get Along? Tips for Parents Who Have Difficult Relationships with Their Adult Children
By: Andrea Clark
Parenting can be one of the most rewarding and joy-filled experiences in a person's lifetime. Watching a child grow and discover things about themselves and the world around them, and finding their place in the world and their unique voice is extremely rewarding and fulfilling. Raising a successful, respectful person who knows themselves and contributes positively to the world can make us feel that we have succeeded at one of the most difficult jobs on the planet. But what are we supposed to feel or think about ourselves as people and as parents when our relationships with our adult children are strained, filled with conflict or non-existent?
Ruptures or strains in adult child and parent relationships are becoming increasingly common. A 2023 study published by the National Institute of Health (NIH) found that up to 26% of American adult children experience an estrangement or relationship rupture with at least one of their parents during their lifetime. While there are lots of reasons parents may have difficulty in their relationships with their adult children, some of the more common reasons are:
Boundary setting - Often adult children feel as though their parents interfere with their lives and choices by offering unwanted advice, infringing on their personal time or space, or disregarding their thoughts or feelings about things.
Disapproval of relationships - Parents may not approve of the romantic partner or other close relationships that their adult child is involved in. The same may also be true of the adult child not approving of their parent's new spouse or romantic partner. Although both of these scenarios are possible when the child is a teen, and living at home with the parent, the fact that the adult child now has more autonomy and flexibility means they, and their parent, have the ability to create more distance.
Criticism of the parent's parenting - Adult children may reflect on how they were raised, or certain events that happened during their childhood, and critique or blame the parent for not doing a good job. This sort of criticism can be hurtful and understandably cause some strain in the relationship.
No matter the reason, strain in child-parent relationships can be painful and hard to navigate. If you’re experiencing strain in your relationship with your adult child, here are some things you can do to manage your emotional and mental well-being:
Attend to boundaries. Although it may be difficult, you have to honor the boundaries your adult child sets for themselves. If that means that they are not open to your advice or even your presence in some instances, you have to respect their choices. If your adult child does not welcome your advice, asks for you to call before you come to visit, or does not want to come to family dinners as frequently as they used to, respect that they have redefined boundaries in your relationship that speak to their current circumstances and needs. This is not to say that you should not offer advice, support or intervention if you sincerely believe that your child is in danger or is engaging in behaviors that could be harmful. In these instances, communicate your concern to your child before taking actions to intervene. Conversely, make sure to set and maintain your own boundaries with your adult children as well. That may mean saying no to requests for help, or refusing to engage in conversations that cause you excessive stress.
Accept their choices. Accepting that your children may make choices you don’t approve of, including the choice not to build relationships with your partner, is crucial to your well-being. Attempting to change your adult child’s mind about a choice they’ve made will put additional stress on the relationship and will not likely help you feel less stressed or upset. Remember, people only change because they decide they want to change. Attempting to make your adult child change their mind about a choice they’ve made will only cause you frustration.
Work toward accepting the possibility that the relationship will not improve. Sometimes the boundary setting and accepting your child’s may not lead to reconciliation. Your perspectives on the issues between you and memories of their childhood may be vastly different than theirs. Your apologies for any harm you may have caused and attempts to reach out may be met with resistance or even silence.
In these instances, allowing yourself to grieve the loss of the connection with your adult child is a way to ease the pain of that loss. You can find more information on support groups for parents navigating relationships with adult children at www.parentshelpingparents.org. Connecting to other parents who have had similar experiences can help you feel less alone. No matter what, continuing to care for yourself and nurture other fulfilling and loving relationships is crucial to your well-being. You can read more about how to build your resilience and self-care in our blog post here.
If you need support as you navigate the changes in your relationship with your adult child, we’re here to help. Contact us to get started today.
